As I briefly mentioned in a post several weeks back, my family was recently informed that my dear grandma, "Mimi," had a large cancer tumor in her stomach. Treatment was presented as an option, but she politely declined as she was done being poked, prodded, stuck and ultimately restricted to a sterile hospital room. It is a strange thing indeed to be given a sort of "heads-up" (pardon the slang) on when a loved one will be departing this world, beckoned by the Creator to leave their human, decaying body to join Him, in His glorious presence.
"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from."
-Till We Have Faces
"Nothing is yet in its true form."
-Till We Have Faces
As I sit and reflect on the reality, the weight of glory if you will, I find it rather difficult to wrap my brain around it all. When I am with my grandmother, observing her frail body, it seems she is quite literally on the cusp of heaven...teetering between the edge of heaven and earth. The curtain between heaven and earth is so thin, it's almost sheer. I feel that in being around her, I'm almost closer...it is very surreal. I have found myself reflecting on this mystery, as we are unable to peek behind that curtain. "Eyes have not seen, nor ears have heard." I tend to be very uncomfortable with the unknown. I like knowledge. I like facts. However, it is not very me to know, at least not yet. I know I have this longing (as C.S. Lewis puts it so beautifully below) deep within me that yearns to be consumed by the fullness of joy found in the presence of Christ. In Him, everything good flows. He is the creator of all, and we have yet to experience being totally complete and satisfied in the sight of His glory.
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
Paul's words to the Philippians seem to be resonating with me as of late, "to live is Christ, to die is gain." While at times, I feel an overwhelming desire to be at the throne of Jesus, basking in His majesty, praising His holy name. However, I know that He has desired and purposed me to continue to live on this earth...with every single moment that I take a breath. But what a glorious day it will be when I see my Savior's face and unite with my first love.
"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love."
-The Problem of Pain
And so we wait. We wait for the Lord to call Mimi home, but in all actuality, we wait for Him to call us home as well. But until that day, let us never cease to catch glimpses of His beauty here on earth. It is in the sunsets that He whispers to our soul. It is in the embrace of a friend that He shows us His love. It is in the crash of a wave that He shouts of His majesty. It is in the birth of a new life that He tells of His miraculous creativity.
"'You would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you,'" said the Lion."
-The Silver Chair